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December 1, 2015

Green Berets Date Back to Civil War

U.S. Army Special Operations Command announced today that credible evidence has been found that suggests the earliest Green Berets date back to the Civil War, and not to the 1950s, as is widely accepted by military historians and extolled by retired Special Forces sergeant-majors.

“Yup, we got us this photo that clearly shows a man wearing a green beret that appears to be in a balloon basket from the Civil War, wearing clothes of that period,” said Dr. James Baddiswanger, History professor at Northeast Central South Carolina University and leader of the research team that found the photo, known also for his ground-breaking research on how the Egyptian Pyramids were actually grain silos.

Baddiswanger and his team expect dramatic ripples throughout Civil War historical societies and are accepting invitations to speak at any Civil War roundtable dinners, as long as steak or salmon is being served.

Numerous academics have voiced concerns about the photo, citing numerous cases in recent years of flawed, and out-right deceptive, studies, research and findings. Dr. Melman Pittleberger, at Yale University, cited Cold Fusion as one of his favorites.

Not to be outdone, MARSOC the next day announced that they descend directly from the Spartans of ancient Greece, famous for their stand against overwhelming Persian forces at Thermopylae during the Persian invasion of Greece in 480 BC.

Naval Special Warfare Command announced the next following day that SEALs are directly descended from the Praetorian Guards of Atlantis, the ancient city that sank into the seas around 9,000 years ago.

When Hit The Woodline asked Naval Special Warfare Command if that means then that all SEALs are mermen and would all future female SEALs be mermaids, Master Chief Salty Freeman replied, “Don’t even get us going.”

Dr. Baddiswanger said that he expects to find more photos proving his theory and saving his tenure.

“You people all are nuts,” said Kevin Knapp, retired U.S. Army and former Special Forces officer, when asked for comment.

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
  • Eli

    OMG! I just knew that COL Bank was a lot older than he let on! I’ll bet he was with Roger’s Rangers during the revolution. I mean how else would he have come up with the idea?

    • Mother Forker

      I have research that suggests that Aaron Banks was in fact Robert Rogers.

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