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December 21, 2015

Elves Being Radicalized in Christmastown

Hit The Woodline has learned that radicalized Islamofacist Krampus gnomes have infiltrated Christmastown. Reports suggest that Christmas is at risk, due to reduced elf motivation and productivity. Sources within Christmastown have told Hit The Woodline that the Department of Elf Security has reached out to elements of SOCOM, in particular U.S. Army Special Forces and the ISA (Intelligence Support Activity).

According to the Radical Gnomes for Djinn web site, the radical gnome goal is to overthrow Christmastown from within by recruiting and radicalizing elves and then transform Christmastown, to Islamofacify it into a center of djinn culture and worship.

Santa is said to be despondent and holed up in the Santa Castle, eating his way through cart-loads of cookies and barrels of cocoa. Dr. Elwyn Elfington, Santa’s cardiologist, said that Santa’s health is definitely at risk to a cardiac event, but that also his weight may make getting into the sleigh problematic or impossible.

“HA! Welcome to my world,” said Eldryd Elfumar, Crew Chief for Santa’s Sleigh.

Sources within USASOC (U.S. Army Special Operations Command) report that Special Forces teams are being assembled to go up North and assist Santa forces. Sources within USASOC say that green berets from Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan and New England are particularly strong candidates.

Camp MacKall, North Carolina, a legendary Special Forces training facility, has been converted for the training of these teams and is said now to be covered in lights and ribbons, and that a small pasture of reindeer has bene installed in the center of the air field and that candidates are learning to ride the festive ungulates. “These fucking things smell worse than fucking camels,” said Sergeant First Class Slurp Jameson, NCOIC (Sergeant in-charge) of Reindeer. “And stay clear of those damn antlers, let me tell ya!”

The CGC (Counter Gnome Center) of the OES (Office of Elf Security) is working closely with the ISA, also known as “The Activity,” to track gnome movements and activities. The Activity has a section that specializes in sasquatches, yetis, werefolk and other potential insurgents and seemed a good fit for this operation.

ELFINT (Elf Intelligence) is clear on the fact that Islamofacist djinns have been radicalizing Krampus gnomes for years. Krampus claims to have nothing to do with the radicalized gnomes and that he lost control of his gnomes several years ago. Sources close to Krampus report that by the time they figured out there was a radicalized gnome problem it was too late.

Elves are said to be living in perpetual fear of rogue polar bear attacks, which the gnomes are also radicalizing. “Polar bears are not the cute and lovable, big fur balls that you see on the Coke commercials,” said Erlyn Elfinham, Chief of Elf Security. “They are large, unpredictable and dangerous creatures. We lose a dozen elves a year to disagreements over refreshments. And the gnomes are somehow just pissing them off more.”

Sergeant-Major Ratt Leamonree of TFX, Task Force Christmas, told Hit The Woodline that his guys are studying various methods and tactics to stem the gnome tide once they get up there, one of which is figuring out how best to arm and train elves. “One interesting idea that we are looking at is to form a snowman QRF (Quick Reaction Force). We are told that they can stay outside indefinitely, do not need to be fed and stay motivated and animated as long as there is Christmas music played within fifty meters.” Leamonree said that TFX is working with MISO units and the U.S. Army Band, “Pershing’s Own,” to nail down music performance and broadcast.

Said Colonel Timothy Holtan, Leader and Commander of the Army Band, “We are very excited to be working with Task Force Christmas. In fact, this satisfies a long-held belief that we deserve a seat at the Special Operations table. So, we are jacked and ready to go.”

When asked for comment about green berets coming to the rescue, Santa said, “Any way they can bring me one of those cute little felt hats they wear? I’ve always wanted one of those. They’re festive.”

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
  • Jim

    Nutcrackers have long been known to be specialists in obtaining ELFINT, particularly on the male elves. Significantly more effective than water boarding or other enhanced interrogation methods such as making them watch multiple episodes of the Kardashians…..

  • disqus_mrspaul

    Russian Fighter Jets have been spotted performing fly-overs near Christmastown. It’s assumed that they are based at one of of the many Russian facilities in the Arctic. These jets are rumored to be stationed at the most northern base, FreezeOurAssOff. Intelligence reports that when Russia stumbled upon the American gift exchange concept of the Secret Santa, Vladimir Putin declared, “We will search high and low until we find this person who wields more American power than their President Obama, and we will destroy him!!! All radio transmissions from the fighter jets, which was intercepted by the U.S., yielded no actionable intelligence, as it sounded like gobbling Turkey’s. President Obama was asked about this new development in the arctic, and he said, “I told you guys, we have everything under control. We are keeping a close watch on the ice caps. That’s the most important thing to do.” Merry Christmas, everyone!!!

  • TexJ3

    Upon being interviewed about his new position for Task Force Christmas, the Drummer, Staff Sergeant Longsticks had this to say…”This one time, at band camp…” before being shuffled quickly out the door by Colonel Holtan.

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