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North Pole SitRep (Update)
December 24, 2015
Courtesy of Lockheed-Martin Corp.
New Bacon Grease Missile
December 29, 2015

Christmastown Disappeared

NorthPoleMoved

Hit The Woodline has learned, according to Special Forces teams on the snow, that Christmastown, and the entire area, normatively known as the North Pole, has disappeared, leaving behind a barren arctic wasteland.

Members of TFX, Task Force Christmas, awoke in their snow cave barracks this morning to find that they were alone. Christmastown, and all its buildings, roads, candy-cane billboards, even the fencing for the snow snake pens and pastures, were gone.

“There was no sign of Santa, reindeer, elves, not even those annoying talking snowmen and snowomen that are always around making stupid comments,” said SFC Raoul Fontaine, Senior Medic on one of the Army Special Forces teams that is part of TFX.

“It’s not that much of a surprise,” said Master Sergeant Fritz Chau, team sergeant of one of the Special Forces teams, who said he has heard Santa complain numerous times about how he would love to just move off and start over. And it wasn’t just the Krampus gnomes. It was also the elves, who this year formed unions, and were demanding things like ear clipping be part of the health plan, and all the corporate partners, whose constantly demands for ROI justifications for every damn toy were making most toy production lines a goat-fuck, and even Mrs. Claus, whose constantly bitching and complaining has given Santa several ulcers and constant migraines.

FTX also reports that Mrs. Claus was found, drunk and ranting about wasted centuries with an ungrateful bastard, in Nanook’s Bar and Grille in the port of Nunguvik, in the northern part of Baffin Island. She is recovering from mild frostbite and extreme intoxication at a Boston area hospital.  Hit The Woodline has learned that the despondent Mrs. Claus will be interviewing this week for house mother positions at several sororities in the Boston area.

TFX has been ordered to search for Santa and his elf force, for two reasons. One, to make sure that Santa is OK and has not fallen prey to any islamofacist Krampus gnome foul play, and two, the Army would really like to know how Santa picked up and bugged out in the middle of the night without leaving a trace. The Army said it would pay handsomely if Santa would share with them how the hell he did that.

When asked for comment, LTC Patricia Merfington, NORPOCOM Public Affairs Officer, said, “We have no knowledge, at this time, of Santa’s whereabouts. But, if it was me, after having just flown winter skies and delivering gifts to every kid in the world, I would be on a beach in Barbados. Has anyone looked there?”

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
  • herschel wince

    nanook bistro update: according to reporter, bridie iqaluit from the pangnirtung bugle, mrs trixie sue claus and rear admiral juniper ‘patty’ merflingusdon from NORPS, were seen pummeling and walloping local gits at the dimly lit bistro, the gits, dressed as ignominious moose gnomes, were dancing the gentle nanny and billy goat gavotte when set upon by the drunken and surly harridans …. updates as they occur

  • Jim

    Sounds like there may be some new stealth technology on the sleigh if Santa left without detection. Maybe he bought some parts left behind in Pakistan by the Night Stalkers at the Bin Laden compound….

  • disqus_mrspaul

    Has there been any kind of a random demand??? If Santa took off and just flew out of the North, I would think that NORAD would still pick it up on their radar!!! I think it’s time to call Pike Logan, Major Kolt Raynor and Mitch Rapp in to bring Santa back, and save the world’s future Christmas’s!!!

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