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BLM Disrupts 420 Festival

Denver, CO (April 20th, 2014) – After suffering an embarrassing defeat in the Nevada desert, the Bureau of Land Management (BLM) is looking to reclaim their dignity. They are pursuing a slightly “softer” target than the ranchers of Nevada this time though. Early reports are coming in that BLM agents armed with ghost guns, assault dogs, and plasma grenades are descending on Denver’s annual “420 Festival” in an attempt to kick them off the public land they are celebrating on and confiscate their cannabis for sale at government auction.

What the federal government did not anticipate was the strong resistance they are receiving at this very moment though. Many of the participants are veterans of the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, and are leading the resistance effort. We asked one of the veterans if he was worried about the Agents opening fire on them, to which he replied, “Shit man, all you gotta do is zig-zag a bit as you charge their position!”

The festival participants, not intimidated by the BLM agents, have not only refused to leave – but have called for reinforcements as well. Local militias, who are still upset over the BLM’s bullying of ranchers in Nevada, are responding in force. One militiaman said, “We will reject tyranny anywhere it pops up, to include the haze of smoke that is currently covering Denver from the festival.” The unnamed militiaman went on to say that they actually are counting on the festivities creating a blanket of smoke that will make it hard for BLM marksmen to acquire their targets, in a defensive strategy dubbed “Purple Haze.”

At this point, there is no clear reason why the government is targeting the stoner convention, but unconfirmed rumors are circulating that Hillary Clinton was in negotiations to sell the land to Russian President Vladimir Putin in exchange for campaign donations and a promise to continue not enforcing “red lines/lines in the sand” if she is elected in 2016.  Whatever the reason may be, people will continue to get really, really high this weekend in Denver, the government will continue focusing on land grabs and not passing budgets, and “ghost guns” are still really, really scary (they fire thirty clips a second, after all).

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
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