US Army Sergeant and former Taliban collaborator Bowe Bergdahl was recently cleared to return to duty, and transferred from his position as an instructor at the Army’s Defense Language Institute to a prestigious new assignment as an “Honor Mentor” at the US Military Academy at West Point. In this new job, Bergdahl’s primary duties will be to educate, train, and inspire the newest generations of Army leaders, particularly those who struggle with issues of personal honor.
“SGT Berdahl is particularly well-suited to serve as a role model, and something that all of our cadets can aspire to,” said West Point spokesman Jefferson Hall. With his background and experience, we decided to create a new course, MS 1/501, ‘Code of Conduct Training,’ for which SGT Bergdahl is uniquely qualified, and will serve as the primary instructor.”
Not everyone at West Point was pleased with this announcement, since before last Friday the job was going to Army Ranger and Medal of Honor recipient SFC Leroy Petry. At a press conference, West Point commandant BG(ret.) Jeffrey Sinclair took the Bergdahl controversy head on. “We never leave a man behind, even if that man leaves on his own,” Sinclair said. “(Bergdahl) will get the training needed, if he doesn’t have it already. Our goal with him is not different from what it would be with any other soldier: to mentor him as he progresses in his career and make sure he is successful, whether he wants to be or not.”
However, the realities of a peacetime Army, which for Bergdahl include a five-year backlog of mindless mandatory Equal Opportunity classes, cultural sensitivity lessons, SHARP training, and AER solicitations, proved too much for the young hero, who quickly developed PTSD from the constant threat of Death by PowerPoint. One night last week Bergdahl quietly slipped out of his barracks room in Mac Long carrying only his Plebe Knowledge handbook and a tactical smatchet, swam the Hudson River and was quickly picked up by a boatload of Naval Academy pirates. He was then whisked across the border and down to the US Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland where Bergdahl quickly began training Navy football players and making ridiculous “spirit videos” targeting his former comrades.
West Point was able to keep this scandal under wraps by claiming Bergdahl was on a “prolonged trip section” until a picture surfaced of Navy football captain Reynold Keenan posing with his arm around Bergdahl, who was wearing a Navy tank top. In the picture, Keenan sports the beard that all Navy football players are allowed to grow until they lose to archrival Army. As you can see from the photo, there is several years of accumulated Army shame on that beard.
While Bergdahl grins in the picture as if they were both old chums, Reynolds fiercely brandishes a Naval Academy football helmet with his right hand, and is clearly making a “1” and a “3” with his left. This gesture is particularly significant as it symbolizes the Naval Academy’s 13-year asskicking streak over Army in football, the only college-level sport that anyone at either service academy actually cares about. The two stand behind the Commander in Chief’s trophy, which goes to the academy with the best football record and is something that Army has only seen in photographs since 1996. A West Point spokesman was quick to condemn the photo as a conspicuous fake, calling it “100% propaganda.”
In a grainy proof-of-life video made public by Bergdahl’s crazy, terrorist-sleeper-cell father, Bergdahl seems ambivalent about his recent change of fortunes. “After so many years with the Haqqanis, I learned what it meant to be part of a winning team,” Bergdahl is shown saying before he got good and greased up for Navy’s annual giant stone phallus-worshipping celebration. “I felt like my “whatever it takes to win” attitude would match up best with Navy, given that their winning streak has gone almost exactly as long as the Haqqani Network has been winning the war in Afghanistan. So, I decided to go over to Navy, #thruWestPoint.”
Navy is reportedly demanding two TAC officers, the Superintendent’s yacht, and Army’s starting punter if Army wants Berdahl back. Sources say that at the direction of the Commander in Chief, West Point is “strongly considering” the offer.