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Army to Go Asymmetrical Against Navy

ArmyNavy

Hit The Woodline has learned that Army will be using unconventional strategy in the game today against Navy in the form of asymmetrical plays and pass routes.

“We realized that we needed to go back to the drawing board and consider what strengths and advantages we have over Navy,” said Boo Corrigan, West Point Director of Athletics. “At some point someone suggested, in jest, that Army has the only true unconventional warfare unit and that maybe we should adopt their tactics. And as we talked about that it made more sense.”

“Hell, Navy has won the last thirteen straight games against us,” said senior Kelvin White, tight end. “That is obviously a very asymmetric situation.”

Army Special Forces advisors have been working closely with Army coaches and players in preparation for today’s game, conducting asymmetric drills and devising asymmetric plays.

Said Dana Putnam, Associate Head Athletic Trainer, when asked about that training, “Those Special Forces guys really put our players through the ringer. At times I was worried that that we would have any players to take the field. But, they’re ready, and I doubt that Army has ever had a more fierce and deadly team ready to take the field. Matter of fact, I’m a little worried for those Navy boys.”

Army

Hit The Woodline has learned of rumors about some of the tactics that Army might be using against Navy today. Those include, possibly, breaking up the offensive line into two, sometimes three, separate groups along the line of scrimmage; a “TacAir” passing strategy; linebackers assigned HVT targets within the Navy offense, a trick play that is only known as “Drinking Tea”; PsyOps conducted on the Navy sidelines, and the Army Special Teams have been renamed the “Jedburghs.” The cheer and yell leaders are also now called the “G Chiefs.”

“You’re not going to believe some of the pass routes you’re going to see today,” said Kelvin White. “I still don’t believe them.”

“I don’t care what they do as long as they win the fucking game,” said General Mark A. Milley, Army Chief of Staff. “But, if they don’t win . . . Well, I won’t comment on that just now.”

“I just hope they don’t kill any of those poor Navy bastards,” said head coach Jeff Monken. “Because I really don’t want to go to prison, which still might happen if we manage to lose this damn game.”

"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
  • disqus_mrspaul

    Thanks, Jeff!!! I just have one point to make. I thought it was real chicken-shit of the Navy Secretary (I refuse to use his name), to insist that women be used in the wide receiver and punter positions!!! I mean, who does he think this is, the fucking Rangers???

    • Mother Forker

      HA. Punters and kickers will prob be the first female positions. High school teams across the country already doing that, for several years.

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