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BREAKING: Average Americans Instantly Become Civil War Experts

Elko Tract, VA – In a breaking revelation that has made it’s way into nearly every corner of social media, the average American has become an overnight expert on the American Civil War as well as the history of flags representing confederate interests. This has been shocking to many, considering that the majority of these newly minted experts had previously been lacking in the social studies department. The proof is in the pudding though, or in this case, in our Facebook news feed.

(Everett Collection via Entertainment Weekly)

(Everett Collection via Entertainment Weekly)

In a recently published poll of the “new” Civil War experts, results showed that a majority of the respondents were unable to locate the state of South Dakota on a map, did not realize that the first ten amendments to the constitution were called the “Bill of Rights,” nor did they know that Iraq and Afghanistan were actually two different countries. We made contact with one of the new experts, Bill, a local up and coming voice coach, who said, “I may not be up to date on who’s who in the government and I may not have ever attended that electoral college thing, but I can tell you that the Confederate States of America, commonly referred to as the Confederacy, was an unrecognized confederation of secessionist American states existing from 1861 to 1865. It was originally formed by seven states in the Lower South region of the United States whose regional economy was mostly dependent upon agriculture, particularly cotton, and a plantation system of production which in turn largely relied upon slave labor.”

Bill wasn’t alone in his expert analysis though. Stephanie, a twenty year old sophomore at U.C. Berkley who majors in women’s studies in the post-20th century era, said, “I mean, If there is anything I know, it’s that Miley Cyrus will be seen as an inspiration for generations to come, and that there were three successive national flag designs that served as the official national flags of the Confederate States of America during its existence from 1861 to 1865. I mean, that’s like, common knowledge.”

Nobody knows how or where this sudden burst of Civil War experts came from, but it certainly did not come from peoples passionate opposition to or support of the “stars and bars” being banned from large retail stores in response to the Charleston Massacre. However this shakes out, we can only hope that this passion for information on the Civil War also expands to the industrial revolution. That “Cotton Gin” thing was the shit!

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