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30 Rules for a Happy Thanksgiving

In preparation for tomorrow, we, the editors of Hit The Woodline, offer the following ROEs and/or suggestions, whether on post, a ship, FOB, COP, at home, wherever, for a successful Thanksgiving.

  1. Do not clean weapons at Mom’s dinner table.
  2. Do not address ISIS, al Qaida or Taliban guests as “Camel Fucker” while at the table.
  3. Do not route the 5K Turkey Trot through a mine field.
  4. Do not duct tape the FNG to the hood of the gun truck and drive around the FOB while exhorting him to sing Christmas carols.
  5. Do not shoot the football if your platoon is losing.
  6. Do not assume that all privates or guests know how to set a table or WTF a salad fork is.
  7. Do not bring strippers to be cheer leaders at the intra-battalion football game. The CO will not be pleased.
  8. If with the family, do not cut your turkey with your Ka-Bar or Gerber.
  9. Do not slam to the deck players of the other team in what is supposed to be a friendly touch football game.
  10. Do not sit all the E-1s and E-2s at the “Kid’s Table”.
  11. There are only two plays in any Thanksgiving football game: Go Long and Go Short. Send Johnson long and tell the terp to “button-hook over the middle” and then enjoy the show.
  12. Do not get into a whiskey guzzling competition with SFC Grady or Uncle Melvin. You will be sorry when Top or Mom finds out.
  13. Do not go to the local Hadji-mart and ask for a spiral ham.
  14. If you use GPS to map pass routes you might be missing the point.
  15. If with civilians, try to abstain from using the word “Fuck” more than once every minute.
  16. The first dip-shit to make a crack about masturbating into the turkey does extra duty.
  17. No weapons on the football field if with family and/or civilians. The odds of receiving fire in Omaha, Nebraska, are still, at this time, relatively remote.
  18. If dining with anyone outside your squad, section, flight or platoon, there will be no discussions about politics, religion, sex toys, existentialism, Jane Fonda, deconstructionism, bestiality, anything even remotely scatological, dating cousins, drowning cats, deductive versus inductive targeting or farts. For a complete list see your senior NCO.
  19. Do not call home, wake you parents up in the middle of the night and say “So, did you fuckwads enjoy dinner while I’m over here freedoming?” (Thanks to MAJ Powell Jameson)
  20. Do not hand a pile of MREs to the FNG and say that you want a feast “Better than Mom makes!”
  21. If laid up in a mountainside OP on Thanksgiving Day, make it a point to eat a turkey-based freeze dried meal. (Thanks to SFC Alan Jeffries)
  22. If with civilians, in particular family, do not try to steer every conversation around to the topics of IED detection or the need for weapons training in all American grade schools.
  23. If on leave and you go to church, do not ask the pastor or priest where the clearing barrel is.
  24. Do not jump onto a table in the DFAC and challenge other units or branches to song competitions. But, if you must, steer clear of Taylor Swift.
  25. If celebrating with Muslim commanders, terps or local village elders, do not tell any jokes that start with, “So, a Sunni, Shi’ite and Sufi walk into a bar…”
  26. If someone lights up the night sky with celebratory fire, do not send return fire their way just to fuck with them.
  27. Do not allow your unit to get bored and make a satire vid wherein all of you perform Katie Perry songs in PT uniforms with a turkey motif.
  28. Have fun.
  29. Be well.
  30. God bless.
"Hit the Woodline" is a Force12 Media, LLC satire publication. All articles on this website are satirical in nature, meant for entertainment purposes.
  • disqus_mrspaul

    I love, love, love this website!!! Awesome writing, Jeff!!!

    • Mother Forker

      My pleasure. Thanks for reading it.

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