Washington, D.C. (May 30, 2014) – In a surprise move designed to coincide with the weekend network news cycle and Americans’ short attention span, outgoing White House Press Secretary Jay Carney announced in his final press conference that ousted Veterans Administration Secretary Eric Shenseki will be replaced by former Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebilius.
WASHINGTON, D.C. In a surprise decision announced late Friday evening by embattled Secretary of Veterans’ Affairs Eric Shinseki, self-described feminist/atheist and grievance industry professional Melody Hensley, 29, was awarded full VA disability due to PTSD she acquired due to mean tweets about her written by US veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan. Hensley managed to convince Shinseki that her PTSD from mean tweets was “on par” with that incurred by veterans of Iraq and Afghanistan and, as it was directly caused by veterans, she should receive full disability from the VA.
(New York) April 24th, 2014 - New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg, a primary supporter of New York State’s controversial Secure Ammunition and Firearms Enforcement (SAFE) Act, is taking the Act even further by waging a war on “trigger warnings”
Putin went on to give the historical context for justifying annexation. “This is simply a return to the status quo, a righting of the international wrong that was done to Russia when we were stripped of our Alaskan province. Alaska was, and will be again, sovereign Russian territory. This will be a completely peaceful transition,” Putin claimed, “We’re only sending our army over to ease the transition back to Russian control and to protect the ethnic Russians that might get caught in the crossfire.”
“Let me be clear: if you like your homosexual jihadi sex partner, you may keep your homosexual jihadi sex partner. My new plan doesn’t change that. But listen, sexual harassment is never OK, even on Thursdays,”
THE HAGUE, NETHERLANDS—Bowing to intense public pressure from hashtag campaigns all over the world, Al Qaeda-affiliated terrorist group Boko Haram disbanded this morning, surrendering its ideology, its leaders, and its heavy weapons, and releasing hundreds of women and girls it kidnapped during its long-running insurgency in northern Nigeria.